Hey... it's empty

Posted by catmille13 at 02:28 AM on October 22, 2008.

Nowadays, every time I try to reevaluate or reminisce, I catch myself frequently saying…

“Hey… it’s empty.”

I do feel empty. I’m quite confused if it’s just self-pity or I’m just finding ways to make myself preoccupied especially that I am now home for the semestral break.

Sometimes, even during attending Sunday mass, I catch myself staring into space, thinking about what will happen next. I couldn’t believe this is me NOW…

A girl with no concrete plans.

A girl who keeps on trying… but to no avail.

A girl who sticks up like a sore thumb amidst the crowd.

A girl who wishes… but gets nothing back.

A girl who is totally insecure.

A girl who now end up strolling and eating alone in campus.

A girl who mechanically goes to and from school… increasingly hating every minute of riding buses and commuter trains.

A girl who admits that being in UPLB is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

And finally…

I’m the girl who has completely lost it!

I remember back in high school, a lot of people were actually peppering me with compliments on the fact that I already know what I want to be in college…

And it ended up wrong. In the end, I was the one who didn’t know what I want and who I really wanted to be.

Yeah, I made wrong choices… and I would really like to fix things before it’s too late but nothing’s turning out the way I wanted it to be.

Is it wrong to ask for something you like? Is it wrong to continually wish for things to turn out the way you desire it to be? Is it wrong to still be idealistic at these hard times?

Worrying makes me really tired already but I can’t help it. Next semester, a lot of my batch mates (including most of my high school barkada) will be going up the stage and taking their diploma. I on the other hand, would probably be on the sidelines, watching them or I would just probably not show up on anyone’s graduation at all. It’s like rubbing salt on deep wounds. While they all have their grad pics taken, I would be stuck inside my apartment… still studying… and will be studying until God-knows-when.

I admit, there are times that I completely loathe the situation I’m in. Yeah, I’m in UP… but am I really happy?

During freshman year in college, I thought that being in one of the high-caliber universities would make me feel special, would get me out of mediocrity, and would make me become more important…

But damn… I was totally wrong!

And how stupid am I to blurt this all out in a blog?

Because I know no one would be able to totally understand the mess I put myself into.

People say that you’re the only one who can help yourself in the end…

And unfortunately…

Right now, I don’t think I can.

Currently feeling: blank

LovE cOffeE?!?

Thou Shall Get Lost in Makati... NOT! :P

Posted by catmille13 at 12:26 PM on September 20, 2008.

Yup, I… I mean WE (moi, Mikko, JD a.ka. PJ, Jena & Cyrus) all GOT LOST amidst the posh side of Makati. Okaaay… we just got lost around Greenbelt, hehehe!

It all started when we 5 decided to commute from Elbi to Makati last night.

If only I had checked the map posted in the groups prior to the event, we wouldn’t get THAT lost…

I think… hahaha! " class="wp-smiley" />

Going back to my story…

We all found ourselves searching for Gweilos by foot since those friggin’ taxis or as Mikko & I say:

“We HATE those cabbies…” (with matching frowns)

were actually asking for too much! I mean c’mon, 100 pesos from Glorietta to Gweilos?!? NO WAAAAY! NOOO FREAKIN’ WAAAY! Ang mahal kaya! Hahaha! " class="wp-smiley" />

After 10 years… err, an hour I guess… we finally saw the Carlos Palanca street sign and I started screaming like crazy! And at around 10pm… we finally reached the promised land…yeesss! joke!

And due to my excessive glee of just seeing Gweilos, I scrambled to the entrance…

And I tripped…

As in I went diving at the foot of the entrance, literally sprawled on the floor. Waah! Uber embarrassing! :O

I must’ve REALLY shocked everyone, hehehe! I was planning on having a GRAND ENTRANCE, but not as grand as THAT I may say, hahaha! " class="wp-smiley" />

Elbi Nights was uber uber uber fun! " class="wp-smiley" />

I FINALLY got to meet and talk with our respected alumni, yehey! Though I was quite saddened that it was Hemp Rep’s last gig.

I also got a bit uhmm… tipsy (?) and as my “quite foggy” memory recalls; made me announce to almost everyone that I was crushing on… *TOOT*

Wahahaha!!! Uuy… chinismis ko ang sarili ko, hwehehehe!

Though there were some hitches last night (like getting lost, unintentionally diving in front of everyone at the entrance, getting a wee bit tipsy, and unknowingly broadcasting my newest crush to everyone I bumped into)… IT WAS ALL WORTH IT!

Amidst the “battle scars” (I have a black bruise on my right knee from my “dive&rdquo…

I PROUDLY DO NOT REGRET GETTING LOST IN MAKATI! And if given a chance, I will do it again and again! Yeah! " class="wp-smiley" />

Currently listening to: my imeem playlist
Currently feeling: silly

LovE cOffeE?!?

Sudden Slumber

Posted by catmille13 at 08:56 AM on July 19, 2008.

Constantly I walk through crowds

Gently paving my way

Silently daydreaming

Avoiding other’s glances

My mind, always submerged into deep thinking

My heart, always wishing

My feet, trudging fast

My smile, gradually waning

Then I suddenly felt something…

I got tired of walking

I got tired of smiling

I got tired of thinking

I just got tired of everything

I found myself inside a routine

I kept repeating everything I do

Boredom then dawned upon me

And I started to stare blankly

Different hang-ups emerged from every corner

Most of my dreams were shattered

My so-called “brilliant” ideas got me nowhere

Now I want to run for cover

Then unexpectedly… my soul goes off to a sudden slumber.

Currently listening to: think of me - phantom of the opera
Currently feeling: melancholy

LovE cOffeE?!?

Strangers

Posted by catmille13 at 03:50 PM on June 27, 2008.

We used to talk

You used to make fun of me even

I used to retort with witty remarks

Or resort to making fun of you as well

I thought there was something special

We were almost there

But alas, you suddenly had to go

I was then left hanging

When you were gone, I was saddened

I patiently waited for you to come back

I almost wished I had stopped you

From going away when we were still having fun

I admit I did missed those days

The days we used to actually talk

And the other days that we throw insults at each other

I did hope that when you come back, things will be much better

At last you did return

And I expected that things between us will return to normal

Sadly when we first saw each other

You treated me like an absolute stranger

What we had back then, we’ll never have again

Our memories together suddenly vanished into thin air

My heart was suddenly filled with grief and despair

From now on, though how hard it is…

I am now a stranger to you

For you, are now a stranger to me as well.

Currently listening to: all i ask of you - phantom of the opera
Currently feeling: sad

LovE cOffeE?!?

Downward Spiral

Posted by catmille13 at 06:25 PM on June 1, 2008.

For some absurd reason…

I feel that my life is towards its’ downward spiral.

I feel that everything that I usually am capable of doing cannot be done…

Simply because I don’t feel like doing it.

I tried to compose new songs but as soon as I pick up my pen,

I don’t have anything to write about.

My mind becomes blank.

I tried to do new stuff, but to no avail.

I tried to entertain myself, but I easily get bored.

I tried to be happy… yet I am not completely satisfied.

I tried to convince myself to move on and deal with my college course problem…

But I hate it!

Even the mere mention of the term, “Agriculture,” makes me sick AND furious at the same time!

I tried to think positive, but my life obviously turned crappy by the minute!

I tried and tried to improve… to change myself…

But it didn’t get me anywhere.

I admit… my life’s a total humdrum.

My life’s boring, typical, mediocre…

In other words, pathetic!

I tried to open up…

But the moment I open my mouth to speak…

No words come out.

I tried to encourage myself that things will get better eventually,

But I am not patient… I HATE waiting!

I tried not to be angry…

But I just can’t!

I tried not to be jealous of people who end up being lucky.

But I am envious…

Because I’m the one who always collide with misfortune… NOT them.

I wish to erase every anger and frustration in my heart.

I wish I could just go away.

I wish I had a different life… but I do still want the same family and friends.

I just wish I could be genuinely happy… even for just a minute.

I want to find myself.

I want to focus.

I want to start all over again.

I want to have the courage to pursue what I REALLY want in life.

But in the end…

What I keep doing is just saying…

“I feel, I tried, I admit, I wish, and I want.”

Will I still be alright?

Will I still have the strength to face everything?

I don’t really know.

Who cares anyway?!

Currently feeling: disappointed

LovE cOffeE?!?