Hey... it's empty
Posted by catmille13 at 02:28 AM on October 22, 2008.
Nowadays, every time I try to reevaluate or reminisce, I catch myself frequently saying…
“Hey… it’s empty.”
I do feel empty. I’m quite confused if it’s just self-pity or I’m just finding ways to make myself preoccupied especially that I am now home for the semestral break.
Sometimes, even during attending Sunday mass, I catch myself staring into space, thinking about what will happen next. I couldn’t believe this is me NOW…
A girl with no concrete plans.
A girl who keeps on trying… but to no avail.
A girl who sticks up like a sore thumb amidst the crowd.
A girl who wishes… but gets nothing back.
A girl who is totally insecure.
A girl who now end up strolling and eating alone in campus.
A girl who mechanically goes to and from school… increasingly hating every minute of riding buses and commuter trains.
A girl who admits that being in UPLB is a blessing and a curse at the same time.
And finally…
I’m the girl who has completely lost it!
I remember back in high school, a lot of people were actually peppering me with compliments on the fact that I already know what I want to be in college…
And it ended up wrong. In the end, I was the one who didn’t know what I want and who I really wanted to be.
Yeah, I made wrong choices… and I would really like to fix things before it’s too late but nothing’s turning out the way I wanted it to be.
Is it wrong to ask for something you like? Is it wrong to continually wish for things to turn out the way you desire it to be? Is it wrong to still be idealistic at these hard times?
Worrying makes me really tired already but I can’t help it. Next semester, a lot of my batch mates (including most of my high school barkada) will be going up the stage and taking their diploma. I on the other hand, would probably be on the sidelines, watching them or I would just probably not show up on anyone’s graduation at all. It’s like rubbing salt on deep wounds. While they all have their grad pics taken, I would be stuck inside my apartment… still studying… and will be studying until God-knows-when.
I admit, there are times that I completely loathe the situation I’m in. Yeah, I’m in UP… but am I really happy?
During freshman year in college, I thought that being in one of the high-caliber universities would make me feel special, would get me out of mediocrity, and would make me become more important…
But damn… I was totally wrong!
And how stupid am I to blurt this all out in a blog?
Because I know no one would be able to totally understand the mess I put myself into.
People say that you’re the only one who can help yourself in the end…
And unfortunately…
Right now, I don’t
think I can.
Currently feeling: blank